Funnily, it’s been a year and I read my last post, and I realize more and more how much independence is important to me. Not freedom – but independence. What I mean is that there are those who are born unafraid, independent, curious, crazy, interesting – they’re the ones who desire freedom; then there are those like me, born dependent, needy, untrusting, unsure. For me, independence is fiercely important, because it’s something I wasn’t born with or encouraged to taste as I grew up. But it’s something that I’ve really appreciated in adulthood. It’s something that’s first to go in adult, human relationships. At some point people realize that it’s the currency that hurts, so friendships, family, relationships, marriages just kind of beeline toward it.
Social media and general digital advances compound it. All of my communications happen over some kind of online social media; and I found it a great way to keep in touch initially. But these days it’s hard to distinguish between my dependence on social media and my dependence on a few select friends. Both of these, for whatever reason, in my head, are quite toxic – though I love my friends, and I love being able to keep in touch through social media.
In the past year I’ve seen toxicity and commercialism in a lot of the things I used to consider most pure. I loved yoga retreats – but had a poor experience in the last retreat I attended; I was unable to center myself as I have been able to do in the past. I loved driving to LA – but have had more and more trouble hitting my meditative place in those five hours. I think it’s the way I choose to perceive it, though – I’ve seen some of these ideas/ideals polluted, but I’ve also gained clarity in what it is I really seek.
Whatever the activity, there’s a place of pureness when I feel like I’m truly myself and comfortable in my skin – I’ve felt this in moments under water at 80 ft; sweating with my feet around my head and arms clambering toward each other 75 minutes into a practice that I swear could break me; anonymous in a crowd of hundreds, squeezing shoulder to shoulder. I guess as I move on and forward, it’s most important to never forget that feeling, and to never stop seeking activities that bring that feeling into my every day.